Wednesday, June 2, 2004: I Love Him!

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-2 Of all the aspects that contribute to Christianity, the concept of Love is the strongest. Over this weekend, I've realized that I can't ever forget this. If I do, then everything I do is completely useless. Perhaps that is why one of the gifts I received this weekend was prophecy. Actually, I don't know why I got that gift yet. After all, it's taken two years to figure out why I can speak/sing in tongue so easily. But at the moment, I think I received prophecy because it'll move me more towards truly loving God-- not just thinking it in my head. I'll admit it. I'm scared to love. To truly, FULLY love. It's actually a pretty scary thing to do. Maybe that's why true love's so hard to find these days. No one's really willing to put 100% into it. It's always about what "I" want or what "I" want out of life because it never matters what the "other" wants. What the "other" wants is never really all that important anymore. There were tons of other things that happened during that retreat. Prophecy wasn't the only big thing that happened. And I'm not going to really bother with explaining just exactly what happened either. Let's just say that I initially didn't want it and the physical experience wasn't all that nice =P The other big thing was that I think I played with my guardian angel. Or maybe my angel was just showing a sense of humor. Whichever it was, I cried five minutes after the experience was over because it was just so beautiful, so peaceful. I can tear up a bit during a super happy moment but this was a lot more profound than that. The thing is, however, those two "big" events that I experienced were just side effects. I would like to believe that I would've been just as happy and content if I didn't have those experiences, but kept all the other little ones. Little ones like simply praying, talking to friends, talking to priests, getting advice and giving advice to one another, meditating on Bible excerpts, doing the rosary, taking walks on a bright sunny day. I don't ever want to forget the advice I received during my spiritual encounter. I mean, I couldn't believe just how much love there was in that one room, just the two of us! I didn't think I'd encounter someone *so* loving AND accepting of who I was-- faults and all-- who was simply there to listen to me 100%. Actually, I'm still in a bit of awe when I think about it. I've been puzzling over exactly what I got out of this retreat ever since I came back. And I think I've just about figured it out. God loves everyone. God loves me for ME. Such simple sentences to one of the most profound concepts ever. He loves me! He loves you! UNCONDITIONALLY!! Do you truly understand? I'm beginning to have the ability to say that I love God from my heart, not from my head. I love Him! I really really really LOVE Him!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2004: A New Vow

I was thinking about teaching at Sunday School recently (whether I was going to continue to do so next year, what I was going to teach this week, etc.) when I suddenly realized.... these kids aren't *my* students. They're God's. And He's using me as His instrument. The thought's completely humbling. If I were to judge, I'm certainly not the best candidate. I definitely didn't start off as a very good teacher either, my beliefs back then not as solid as it is now. And yet, while He's totally aware of all my imperfections and disqualifications, He's still working through me... somehow. Sometimes, I'm barely aware of the words coming out of my mouth, wondering whether I'm having an impact at all with these kids... Even though I'm starting grad school in Manhattan this fall, I think I'm going to try to stay involved with Sunday School for as long as I can. I love being there, I love teaching, and I love being with others who share similar beliefs with me. Do you understand? Growing up, I got so used to thinking that there would never be someone out there who would either think like me, or not give me a strange stare if my line of thought was quirky. I got used to the idea that I was always going to be alone. I got so used to that, and it's taken me years to break my now-automatic defenses. I'm not alone anymore! Gone are the days of looking into the empty air and asking aloud, "Is anyone there to help me? Anyone?" Gone are the days of being reticent. Gone are the days of hiding behind a false facade of who I really am. Gone gone gone! Why? Because God is with me. He's with us whether or not you want Him there. And if I can trust Him completely, I can walk with His confidence and not fear any risk I take, not weaken from any tragedy or suffering I may encounter. Everything I do from now on is in His name.

Thursday, April 1, 2004: Greedy for God

The other day I realized something: I am greedy. I have virtually no qualms about taking things that are offered to me which I most likely don't deserve. Most of the time I have no shame, nor do I find it necessary to be humble about it. I think this might be why I can accept God's love easily. Everyone tells me how His love is abundant, overflowing and it's only be His grace that we are able to accept it. The difference however, is the humility. When I accept God's love, I am keenly aware that I do not deserve it. But, somehow, I am able to accept it anyway. Even when it seems so hard. Even when I think I've committed a sin that doesn't deserve forgiving. I am somehow able to believe that God will and can forgive me and take me back, a perpetual prodigal child. Father Bae said in a homily a couple of weeks ago that he thinks a reason why people supposedly can't accept Christ is because they firmly believe that something must be deserved in order to be given. Christ on the other hand, gives freely to everyone-- many of the parables He preaches reflect that. So God willingly gives, gives, gives and I willingly take, take, take. The funny thing is, though, is that what God gives and I get, subsequently, I am unable to keep to myself. If I truly do accept what God gives me, I feel compelled to share. So ironically in my greed, I am learning to share. God is good. What an understatement.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004: Reflection on the Charismatic Healing Mass

I've wrestled the idea of making this a blog entry or not. It's not something that one can easily relate to, even if he/she is Christian. Nevertheless, I'm going to go ahead and share it with everyone, precisely because I don't think these things are meant to be kept to myself. With that said... The Mass started off like any other Mass during a weekday. There was a reading from Scripture, etc. etc... the priest gave a really good homily that night. Something that made us realize that despite our unworthiness, we are still on the road to sainthood. Giving some prime examples of the (former) unsavory habits of known saints helped put a lot of things into perspective. After the homily was where things got interesting. That's where the healing service bit came in. Not sure when I personally started, but I started to speak in tongue, and then sing in it. The usual peace I feel while praying normally descended on me at that point. I started to feel warm. I knew that while my mind was blank, my spirit was praying directly to the Holy Spirit and I was pretty content with that fact alone. Pretty soon, I felt myself starting to get emotional. Just then, I felt two hands on my shoulders and someone behind me started to pray over me in tongue. After a while, I stopped hearing the praying, but I still felt those hands on my shoulders, giving me comfort as I got over my emotions. I could still feel the hands and I thought it was a pretty long time for someone to do so since there were a lot of other people there who probably needed praying over besides me. I opened my eyes a bit at that point and looked to my right shoulder. To my surprise, there was no one there! I was pretty amazed. Fortunately, that was only the beginning. I prayed to God for two things: 1/ to erase my fear and give me courage to defend my beliefs when I need to and 2/ to get rid of whatever had been bothering my lungs for the past half-year. The lung thing, I can't explain too well. It's one of those things only you'd be aware of because you're more attuned to your body than anyone else. I knew there were something off about them. Sometimes I had little difficulty breathing when there's no reason for me to do so in the first place. So anyways, I asked for those two things. I was still praying/singing in tongue when I made those requests. Moments later, I took a deep breath and I exhaled quickly due to my surprise. I took even a bigger breath the second time and it still left me in wonder. The air I was breathing was definitely not the air inside the church. It was... a little cool, definitely the purest breath of air I ever took, it was even sweet! I felt it expand through my chest, purging whatever was ailing within. I took several breaths of it before the sensation was over. Never had air so sweetly and so purely traveled through my body like that before! It must've been purer than oxygen itself. As if I had just tasted heaven, or the breath of God, or both for all I know. In my mind I started to give thanks to God for this experience knowing full well that He heard and sent someone like me a sign. I had never really considered myself a humble person or even spiritually mature but, oddly (or maybe not) the experience left me feeling keenly aware of my unworthiness, but with a sense of joy that through God's grace and infinite mercy, I can be saved. At this point, the service bit was winding down... I broke off from speaking in tongue in order to join the others in praising but I can still hear tongue inside my head-- as if to say, 'go on and join the other parishioners in praising. I will still pray to the Holy Spirit'. I was actually kind of sad when the healing was over and the priest started to move onto the rest of the Mass. So this is what happened to me. Everything here is true as I've really nothing to gain from lying =P I don't believe there's any rational explanation for the kind of air I breathed in during the service, or a rational reason for still feeling hands comforting me on my shoulders long after the person who prayed for me had left and moved onto another person. In the end though, I'm not even interested in *looking* for rational reasons or explanations. Instead, I've been thanking God profusely for the experience and can't wait to see what He has in store for me in the future.

Sunday, March 14, 2004: Practicing Faith

Faith with abandon is nearly as destructive as having no faith at all. It's a very interesting concept I've encountered today. Faith with abandon would only lead eventually to a kind of spiritual suicide where one could potentially just fall into depression and lose faith (temporarily or not)-- precisely because the spiritual high must eventually come to an end. When it ends, what then? I was told by a priest to actually restrain myself during my private prayer life after hearing what I've been going through the last couple of weeks which culminated to the charismatic healing Mass I participated in last night. The advice was surprising. I thought the most natural course for me would've been to keep going, keep trying harder but here was a priest telling me to take a step back, relax, yet keep going with the bare minimum for a little while. I suppose that makes sense though. I've heard of many stories of religious "burnout" and it maybe have been a result of doing too much all at once. It's funny, though, how even practicing faith must be done precisely, with caution. Without such discipline, it is easy to waver. It's only been two months so I must concede that it's much too early for me to be going in so deep. If I'm to grow more in my faith, I need a strong foundation-- something consistent and steadfast, as opposed to riding on/off a spiritual high. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. -- Isaiah 40:28-31